Making Friends in Japan

Posted on 10/04/2022 Last updated on 10/04/2022

Top photo by KJaさん on PhotoAC

An unconventional guide to making friends in Japan as a newcomer.

PLEASE READ THIS FIRST

Alright, I’m just going to say that this might not work for everyone. In fact it probably works only for a very small percentage of people. Appearance, fashion sense and how socially awkward you are will probably affect your results when using these techniques. The below are just tactics which I have employed personally and that have worked for me. The purpose of this blog article is really just for entertainment, food for thought and a peek into my personal experiences for the first 6 months of my life in Japan. I hope you find it useful. But if not, I hope I can at least make you laugh a little. Now on with the show!

About Me

I was born in Taiwan and immigrated to New Zealand at the age of 7. After 23 years of living comfortably as a New Zealand citizen, I decided to venture to a foreign country and challenge my survival capabilities in Japan. A country where I couldn’t speak the language of and had zero friends. I am 170 cm in height (average height in Japan for males), slimly built and I would say mediocre in athletic ability as well as physical appearance. I also happened to arrive in Japan only a couple months before COVID-19 hit, so the ways which I made friends were unconventional. Hence, this is an unconventional guide to making friends in Japan as a newcomer!

About Japanese People

Japanese people are great, of course. But there are many who will be cautiously hesitant, if not outright intimidated the first time you talk with them. Although I have met a handful of Japanese people who weren’t shy at all, many I’ve know took some time to break the proverbial ice with.

A lot of this comes down to the language barrier; I have lost track of how many times you can see that visible look of relief when your answer to the dreaded question of “Do you speak Japanese?” is a tired but friendly “yes”. Once you’re past that hurdle, things are usually pretty smooth. It’s always important to remember though that, like people in every country, folks in Japan have a method. It may not be what you’re used to, but once you figure it out, making friends becomes much easier than it was when you began.

Be Available

Now this is a general tip to making friends, not just in Japan, but anywhere. You want to position yourself in situations where others feel obligated to invite you to places when inviting other. They will feel pressured to invite you into their group outings due to 1) systemic politeness which has been drilled into them, but also 2) you’re hopefully en route to a genuine friendship, and they all got to start somewhere!

“But sir, I don’t know how to get myself into these situations”, is probably the question you are thinking to yourself right now. Luckily in Japan, share houses are common and popular among younger people and foreign residents alike. You want to find a shared house which has a common living area. Usually, before you move in, the house manager will take you through the house. Keep an eye out for social areas where people are playing, chatting or cooking together, as these are the goldmines you are looking for.

After your first outing with your new housemates, you are now awarded with authority to invite others on an outing. Congrats! Now it is no longer awkward for you to ask them to go to dinner or karaoke with you!

Be Remembered

If you’re a non-Asian foreigner, this part is probably easier. You stand out just by being you, and in a group, being one of of the group but different is a great quality to have. You know Chewbacca in Star Wars? Everybody likes Chewbacca, because he’s a big hairy guy who yells a lot, but also because he’s just one of the gang like everybody else. Be Chewie, is what I’m saying here. For those of us who ‘blend in’ more until we open our mouths, it can be harder in some ways (and easier than others), but it’s not impossible.

With that said, these tips can still help you build stronger rapport with your soon-to-be friends. No matter where you are from, humor is universal and everyone likes to have a laugh. Usually after a brief introduction of “Hi, I’m J.”, “I’m from New Zealand” etc, the first question which they will ask you without fail is “Can you speak Japanese?”. I like to reply with konohen no hana wa anata no tame ni saiteimasu この辺の花はあなたのために咲いています (the flowers here bloom for you).

Now I know what you are probably thinking. “WHAT!?” Well my friend, you are forgetting that you are (probably) not a native Japanese speaker, and I am (definitely) not a native Japanese speaker either. So to bust out a poetic line like that as a first impression? It’d be like going to an English-speaking country for the first time and introducing yourself by dropping a little Will Shakespeare on them.

I have done this (the flower like, not the Shakespeare) many times, and every time it has gotten a big laugh followed by “where did you learn that?” This creates a memorable moment for them, and they will probably tell their friends shortly after on LINE how this funny foreign fella just moved into the house and they’re pretty cool.

Remember Their Names

Japanese people know Japanese is difficult, because it is difficult for them too. So they understand it is extremely difficult for foreigners to remember their names. If you manage to remember their names within 1 meeting, they will be really impressed when you call them by their name the 2nd time you see them. It’s almost like a party trick, they will probably say something like sugoii ne. A trick to do this is to say their name 3 times during the first conversation. “Hi, Yuka” “What do you like? Yuka” “See you later, Yuka”.

And if you do forget, fear not! Ask them their family name, repeat it, and (if they don’t tell you their full name again) just use (family name)-san until they say you can use their first name, which they will then hopefully re-state for you. This also works in English, unless they’re those weird kinda people who address each other by last names. Who does that? If someone’s last name is “Miller” do you address them only as “Miller”? Unless your name is Alec Hardy, no you don’t.

Lastly: HOLD THE DOOR (HODOR)

That one was for the GoT fans out there.

This is probably something that is already natural to you growing up as a westerner, but I have only recently come to understand the full power of this gesture. Many Japanese men for some reason don’t hold the door open for others like we do in the western world. Traditionally, the concept of “ladies first” wasn’t much of a thing, though that has been changing over the years. When you deliberately hold the door open for others and let others pass through first, for many of them this is a new experience. They will think you are yasashii (kind). Which is probably the highest valued personality trait in Japanese society. You will be instantly likeable, and soon you will have more friends than you can count!

In Conclusion

Now, you are all probably asking “Just who does this guy think he is?”, “Does he have a lot of friends?” and “Is he even popular?”. The truth is, I’m not super-duper popular and I don’t have a boatload of friends. I also don’t really care about what you anonymous readers think anyway! Okay I’m kidding about the last part. Please don’t punch me in the face if we ever meet on the street some day.

I am just sharing my experience on how I have navigated around Japan and made friends during this period of COVID-19. Living in a new country by yourself can be extremely lonely, and it is important to have some people you can rely on. While I’ve only made a handful of friends, the ones I have made have been as warm and welcoming as any I had back home. It is possible to make friends in Japan: you just have to believe in yourself, and be a little outgoing (or be that kind of introvert who finds like-minded introverts and also ends up becoming friends).

As I said at the beginning, this was meant to be entertaining. Are you not entertained? Uh, don’t answer that.

Photo Credits:

Top photo by KJaさん on PhotoAC